Does rekindling an old flame entail dating your past self? …and if so- who has the upper hand?

As we were all waiting for summer to finally start, a certain kind of person was preparing for their moment in the sun: the former lover turned acquaintance, maybe even friend. Shining their way back into your life these people always strike a particular cord seemingly responsible for the time you take getting ready, new recipes in the daily cooking portfolio and ultimately the amount of nights with the lead question Did I call him because I was drunk, or did I get drunk to have an excuse for calling.

Kisses and Best-friend-names feel familiar like the breeze on golden skin when your driving through town revisiting evenings from years ago- getting caught up in the comfort of an old relationship is a canon event only few of us are disciplined enough to resist. Reunions of this kind have a pretty bad reputation, and not for nothing! Most of them end for the same reasons the prior attempt did. (And the attempt before that.)

But isn’t there something valuable in a connection that has, if not stood the test of time, for the very least acknowledged us in a variety of life stages, personality switches and that one year with the bad haircut?

The value of a relationship, of which nature it aught to be, is never clearly defined by the good or bad impact it has on us. Much more it’s core is what we learn about ourselves, and of course how that directly corresponds with our partner. So if we accept the premise that the success of a relationship isn’t determined by marriage nor heartbreak, but by the knowledge we gain individually through this shared experience, then rekindling an old love holds the prospect of a very successful time in ones life. Never the less, most of us find themselves stuck in reoccurring situationships with the same person year after year, feeling more drained every single time, but still running back into their arms as soon as we coincidentally pass them on the street. Staying in the same toxic cycle is the biggest risk one takes when somehow you figure you really (!) need that book you lent them the last time you guys had “casual” coffee. Let me be clear- the stakes of going down the same road are very high, and that is essentially what keeps the adrenaline and hormones flowing throughout the story, but nothing of virtue comes cheap.

If however, one manages to reflect the past and work through it, then a relationship with a potential soulmate can be the most amazing loves of all. The key is not only to look at the dynamic and its perks, even though this is the only way to overcome the foreseeable ending all our friends warn us about when that one texts us at dinner, you have to expand the uncomfortable zone of conversation. A person like this has dated not just you, they dated a diversity of you that we as humans tend to gloss over once we accommodate to the current version of ourself. And because relationships are a mirror to us, just like we are a mirror to our relationships, the way this person treats us can be an indicator of how we saw this connection in the past. To change it’s dynamic it is not enough to try and convince your counterpart of ways that you’ve changed, you have to actually become that more evolved person. For when we show up as the truest people we can be, a union that gives back what we need will stay and grow with us.

At the end this is not a battle between you and whoever stumbles into your life again this summer, it’s a dialogue between your past and current self. Listen and really try to understand who you used to be, because sometimes it wasn’t all on the other person, and the sooner you realize it, the safer you’ll feel in handling this new chapter of an old -and probably favorite- book that is way too precious to be dying on the shelf.